Urbanite miserable in suburbia

That would be a good title for a personal ad. I'll keep it in mind when I feel attractive and thin enough to date again. I am so fat and ugly and I exercise and eat well and not excessively but my weight just stagnates. Ugh ugh. Nothing fits anymore. I feel SO bloated and ick all the time.

I figured out something about my feelings of being the "odd girl out" at school. I am. There is very little I have in common with my classmates. I am most comfortable and happy living in Boston. These people live in the suburbs. Most are a bit more blue collar than me, I would say. The majority are married or living with an S.O. And they do so many domestic things. A lot of the women are in their early 20s. I just frankly do not have much in common with someone that young. Can't go to the movies alone or to the store alone or must check in with boyfriend/husband all the time? Not for me. I know I'm a snob. They don't partake in the cultural activities that I like to do so much-- film, reading, music, museums.

LS/BS Certification and lab

Lung sounds/bowel sounds certification. Not as nervous this time around. It's pretty straight forward. I felt all out of place in lab again. Every time I go there I feel I am just hovering and there's no one for me to practice with/work with. Nicole said "it's all in your head" when I told her though I probably shouldn't have said anything. I'm realy not going to talk much anymore. I don't want to get myself in trouble or have some sort of emotional breakdown from stress.

Exam #2

Friday, Exam #2. Thought I did pretty well; there were a few I was unsure about.

Ended up with another 90. So I guess that's good. I would like to be better but I feel that I am understanding it. What I study never ends up being what I get asked on the exam, although I know it anyway. I focus on different things and it turns out those weren't as important as I had expected previously.

Cliques, cliques, cliques

still feel like I am in high school instead of an associate's degree program in nursing. frustrating. I realize that there are mostly 20-somethings, though there are plenty of people in their 30s like me and some in their 40s too. today I felt quite low in class. low energy. people keep asking the most silly/ridiculous questions and the instructor gets side-tracked and spends too much time on basic information and not enough on the important information. Oh and all the instructors ask "Have you done assessment yet?" or "have you used a stethoscope?" Why don't they look at our schedule or talk to each other. they expect us to be prepared and read, can't they take one minute to know our base of knowledge.

and everyone laughs and laughs-- okay I exaggerate a bit-- but is this a vaudeville act? I suspect nervous laughter because this just is not funny most of the time. we have so much to do and most people are stressed I believe. especially in trying to work at the same time.

now I just have SUNDAYS this month at Mount Auburn. I plan to apply per diem to some other spots.

BP Certification

Don't know why I doubt my skills so much. Perhaps because the nurses who are instructing us have said things such as, "CNAs often have the most difficult time" or "Medical Assistants just pump it up to 200!" ooh, all willy-nilly like. Which I've seen and can just say there are good and bad nurses, smart and average intelligence nurses as there are good and bad in every profession. So ridiculous.

I still feel the third wheel when I go to lab and try to practice skills and feel like I am invisible and have a hard time jumping into a group or once I'm in I get pushed out like in high school or something.

HUGE HUGE terrible scary panic attack last night. I was about to go to bed around this time and just got a huge wave of panic. My heart raced and I had to get up and walk and then I felt so unsettled and floaty and weird.

Oh, another instructor told me "Nursing is a stressful job and you need to get it under control." I had been a bit snippy when she made a comment that i thought was obvious while we were doing simulated bed baths and making beds! egads. I am doing very well in keeping mum however. I don't say much during classes. I am going to make a stronger effort to say even less though. It's not worth jeopardizing what is my last chance to make some decent money.

Doubts, Stress and blood pressure

Taking my quiz on blood pressure again, I found myself freaking out a bit even after I had completed it with the 80% that I needed. Of course everything that I went over yesterday helped but didn't really. The questions were different. At about 12:30 last night Brian and I started to talk about what I got wrong and I jumped out of bed and got my steth and blood pressure cuff. We tried it with a loose cuff and tight cuff. Brian also related it to a pool and then to a whirlpool. Very helpful. In a pool of water, there is more pressure at the bottom of the pool versus the top. One side of the pool has the same amount of pressure as the other side. In a whirlpool, you feel the power when you put your hand right next to the water spout it's really strong and if you are sitting away from it, it's not as much.

So I go to open lab after class to practice taking blood pressures. Though I know how to take them, I get nervous when being tested. The nurse in charge there told me I had high blood pressure, that I should "keep an eye on it" and it had been high for the past few days. I think it's stress-related and actually do not really even care all that much though I guess it would be a drag to deal with it. I know I need to lose more weight. I cut out dairy this year and I work out regularly.

On my way home today, I found myself near tears as I though about going to clinical tomorrow. I just am non-plussed about having it in a nursing home. I know it's only five more weeks but I just am not interested. I shouldn't have to do it because I know I am better than a stupid nursing home. It's a waste of my time! Day by day. Take it one day at a time. I think that I have really bad expectations that I will be stuck doing four hours of work that I used to do as a nursing assistant.

TPR Certification

Today we had certification for temperature, pulse (apical and radial) and respiration in lab. I passed just fine. Each week we have to also take a quiz and need to get 80% before we can certify and if we don't pass by time 3, we're OUT. I got a 50% on the BP--blood presure-quiz and cried I was so upset. I read. I study. I just don't study the right way or enough apparently.

I had a headache all day. Perhaps stress-induced. It's still there. I'm going to go to bed early tonight. I will have to take the quiz again either tomorrow or Friday. I made some bad choices on the quiz.

BP is low in infants and gets higher as we age, in general.
Arm above heart would be false low and arm below would make it false high.

Can't remember some of my other mistakes right now.