Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Failed test, bad mood

Clinical today was lousy. Didn't learn a single thing. Observed the woman the entire time. Didn't do anything hands on even though I said that I had been a CNA and a Medical Assistant. My clinical teacher said that the nurse "thought" I "didn't want to do anything." What crap that is! She didn't give me a chance.

She said every time she looked at me in class I looked angry which is also bullshit. How am I supposed to have that empty look on my face. I said I was "agressive" and she said I "came across as insecure." I may have some insecurities but I am certainly not insecure about everything.

When I said that preferred to live in Boston, she suggested that I should think about MGH Institute for Health Science. Is she high? I have 90K in debt from Boston University to deal with. And I would have also gone to Simmons or BC if I could have afforded it but instead I am at a community college for now.

I am so insulted. How can people look at me and make such assumptions? It's so unfair.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Why do I do so much and still feel so crappy?

The day:
0620 left my house
ate banana in the car

0730 Arrived in Saugus
Stopped at Starbucks for a Venti iced latte from Starbucks. Called Nicole (way behind) and Robert (already arrived and down at the building and at the Panera-- said I would meet him there).
Got a blueberry bagel with margarine at Panera.

0830-1215 Listened to elder law attorney and then teachers talk about what to expect and what assignments we would have with this rotation. A lot in a short period of time but not all that bad.

12:30 Black bean soup and salad at Panera with Robert.

Stopped at Sketchers and bought new pair of shoes.

1400 Arrived at John Kerry campaign HQ. Spent two hours making GOTV calls. Phonebanking is not much phone but it's part of the campaign process.

1600 Left Kerry HQ with t-shirt, lawn sign and button.

1630 Picked up pen lights at Uniforms of America. Realized I am way out of money.

1800 Voted.

1810 Arrived home and wanted to cry. But I have things to do. But do I want to do them or just get in bed and never wake up again? I have very few friends. B wouldn't even miss me. He'd just move along with some airhead girl and forget he even knew me.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

First Week Down and Still Nervous

It's second semester and second week of nursing school for me and I feel like crying, getting into bed and not getting up again. I'm frustrated and doubting myself and my decision to do this program. Of course I will finish it and I do find it interesting at times, but must parts of it be so annoying. And must some of the faculty be so daft and threatening?

Yesterday in lab, we went over injection sites and it should be review even though since I graduated from the Medical Assistant program (at the same school), I have done very few injection (none actually) but it all comes back to me with some practice (or will). I made a comment how it was awkward. She had me mapping the spot with my dominant hand. I had learned to map it with my non-dominant hand and then clean it with my dominant hand and inject. Not mark it and keep switching hands like switching forks back and forth. I guess I'm European that way. I said I had learned it a different way and she said dismissively, "Everyone teaches it a different way, just do it this way, blah blah." But what annoyed me is that these nurses have such disdain for my experience and my DEGREE from the SAME school in Medical Assistant and I'm now a Certified Medical Assistant (I worked hard in that program too) only a year and a half ago. I call BS on the whole thing and it got me so upset that I felt my old anger boil up again and nearly exploded, told her she was an idiot and walked out. It's all under the same health studies umbrella at the same school. I'd think they'd be happy that I kept going to pursue nursing. They are getting my money instead of another school.

I'm so tired. I don't want to read tonight. So I'm not going to and last night I went for a bike ride and cried for over an hour thinking about how this was not going to improve my life because whether or not I became a nurse, Brian was going to be out of my life in the near future and it upsets me to think about that. It hurts. I feel I'm good enough and smart enough, pretty and cultured and we have fun, as often as we fight, we have fun.