Sunday, June 1, 2008

Something better, something worse

How pathetic is it that my own mother just blew me off? She got a better offer: her friend was making "Oprah's turkey burgers" (which of course I had to point out were actually Donald Trump's Mara Lago turkey burgers--I saw the show). I was only making vegan meatloaf and mashed sweet potatoes. Plus she really needs her hair colored.

I'm so alone. I'm lonely. The walls are closing in on me. I don't see my life getting any better. Despite all my healthy eating and long bikerides, my weight is stagnant. I need to lose 60 pounds. How did I get this fat? If I just stop eating will that help me at all? I know I can't do that. What if I just get in bed and never get out, will everything just go away? Can I just shut down and shut everything out? Can I just give up and completely isolate myself? I have very few friends. If I didn't have Brian, I'd have no social life. He takes me out to see concerts and to the theater and to museums on a regular basis.

I do not want to turn 39. I'm supposed to be a professional writer. The last time I got paid to write something was 2002. That is so depressingly pathetic. I once thought I had a career, I had a future. Now I just feel I need to make an exit plan. I hate myself. I hate what I've become. I'm dark and irritable and no one particularly likes me even when I try to let people in. I just cannot do it anymore. I know that PMS escalate my dark, hopeless and sad feelings but they are always there and I cannot stand this any longer. I've been unhappy as long as I can remember. I remember crying on Friday and Saturday nights in high school because I didn't have any plans and "everyone else" did. And I was blonde and skinny and smart and athletic! Now I'm just smart and nothing has changed.

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